A lot of things have made me ponder a lot or bother me no end. I wondered if my life would be better without people. A lot of things would be less complicating and I'd have more "peace" in my life. But then I think about how much love, how many memories, how much I would miss out in if these people were not in my life. These are all very selfish thoughts, but I also started thinking about how God created two humans, not one. Sometimes loving people is so hard, but I know that they are worth it, more than I can ever imagine.
I've also been thinking about change. Things have changed, and I'm one of those people who has become almost numb to change, but once I begin to process everything I resent the change very much. The fact that most of my friends are changing sometimes scares me and I don't like it, not because it's a bad change but just because it's change. I've always prided myself in not changing, but I know that even I'm changing, and that is probably the scariest type of change for me. My views on things are changing, my thoughts are changing, and my attitude is changing (only my height hasn't changed). I don't know, this idea of change has become a burden in my life.
Another change I am deathly afraid of leaving Oasis. To tell you the truth, coming to Turkey wasn't the high point of my life. I was excited about moving to Turkey (I hate change, but for some odd reason I loved moving to different countries. Don't ask me why.) but I was actually disappointed and depressed during my first year at Oasis because I felt so lonely and left out. I was a spoiled kid compared to most because no matter where I went God had proivded a group of great friends. I came to Turkey, and it was sort of a shock to me because suddenly I did not have a friend I could depend on. But the next year and the next year, I met more people and Oasis continued to grow on me. Some of the deepest relationships I have are Oasis people and I've grown so much because of this school. I know that I'm going to have to leave soon, but I'm afraid.
I also will miss my church here in Turkey. Back in America, my parents never stayed at one church. We would visit this church, go to another church for a couple of weeks, move to another church, and constantly visit different churches. I never got to make very good relationships with anyone. We've now been at IPCA for 3 years and I'm going to miss going to church, knowing people, singing in the back, and feeling refreshed.
BUT I know God's looking out for me. I just don't see it now, and I don't see why this move must cause so much pain, but I know that even though I have no idea when I'm leaving or where I'm going. God's there for me.
